


Behind the Mask I Wear So Well

by imthederpyfox



Series: Primeval [1]
Category: Primeval
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anorexia, Arguments, Blood, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Bulimia, Connor has no sense of self preservation, Crying, Denial, Eating Disorders, F/M, Fighting, Fire, M/M, Manipulation, Mentions of Suicide Attempts, Past Abuse, Self Harm, Suicidal Tendencies, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, Vomit, as usual, bad past, lying, maybe more I've probably missed some, mentions and reference to rape/non-con, self hatred, throwing up, toxic behaviour, will update as the story goes along
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:13:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28013739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imthederpyfox/pseuds/imthederpyfox
Summary: Connor is a goofball, funny, sometimes a little bit too gullible, and very clumsy.Most of the time people don't question how he manages to get himself into trouble almost every time they see him. Because he just smiles and tells them of his newest clumsy act or how he fell over without actually tripping over anything.But when people start to look closer, it becomes obvious just how much the young student has been hiding behind a façade of the happy-go-lucky idiot.------------This is my first Primeval fic I'm ever actually posting, but I've loved the show since it first came out and I miss it :(Had this idea and thought I'd go with it, don't judge me.
Relationships: Nick Cutter/Jenny Lewis, Past Claudia/Cutter, TBD - Relationship, mostly platonic - Relationship
Series: Primeval [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2051865
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	1. If You Look a Little Closer

Connor was good with secrets.  
  
It might not have seemed like it, not with how much he liked to run his mouth, or because he'd signed an official secrets act revolving around dinosaurs coming through portals in time and then blabbed about it to his friends because of course he needed to tell _someone.  
  
_But the student was actually surprisingly good at keeping things to himself. Things that could hurt someone, things that could make them worried or scared or treat him differently.   
Since Tom died, he'd understood that the ARC and the work they did was definitely one of those secrets that could hurt people, and he never told another person after that.   
  
He knew what the others thought of him, hell, it was obvious most of the time in just their looks or their sarcastic comments. He'd brush them off, or pretend he didn't hear, but it was obvious.   
  
Gullible, naïve, stupid, idiot, accident prone - ok they may have said more... clumsy, bumbling, or any other myriad of colourful words, but he preferred 'accident prone' - and so on and so forth were the 'nicknames'.   
He got it, he really did. A lot of the time he bumbled about, running in the path of dinosaurs or getting himself dragged through an anomaly or simply putting his foot in his mouth without thinking his words through.   
  
And you know what? They thought _exactly_ what he wanted them to think.  
  
Because as long as they were calling him those names, it meant they hadn't noticed.   
They hadn't noticed when his mask slipped and he sat there staring into space for a moment, trying to ignore the hunger pains that creeped in.   
They didn't notice him stumbling when he ran away from something, feeling dizzy and disoriented. Because it was just Connor being Connor, being clumsy and stupid.   
  
Yes, Connor was very, very good at secrets. Better than anyone thought, better at it then _he_ often thought in all honesty.   
  
Sometimes he worried, the others would notice, they'd say something one day and out his problems to the others and then everyone would treat him like he'd break if they looked at him wrong.   
And when he caught someone looking at him for a little too long, he internally panicked, expecting them to say something that they'd noticed. That they'd seen the walls he put up constantly, seen past them, caught a glimpse of the person they didn't know. And he was sure they wouldn't like the person they didn't know.   
  
Now, don't get him wrong, Connor saw no bad in the things he was doing. He'd been doing it for so long now, on and off since he was a young teen pretty much, and he'd never had many issues from it. But he knew that a lot of people saw wrong in his coping mechanisms, and would, of course, treat him differently, or tell him he had to take time off to 'recover'.   
  
He was sure things would get worse if he was told to take time off work, forced to 'heal' and not allowed to the job he adored.   
  
For the majority of his time at the ARC, he'd not gone through a bad phase with this stuff, but recently it had gotten bad, but as usual, he was amazing at hiding whatever was wrong with him. So, his coping mechanisms had slowly picked up again, only this time it was taking longer for them to go away again. So he continued. And he went to work, and he corralled dinosaurs and ran through prehistoric forests and tried to convince the soldiers not to shoot the creatures because he didn't like how upset Abby got when they did. And nobody was wiser to his inner turmoil; just how it all should be.   
  
\------------  
  
Surprisingly, it was Becker who had first seemed to notice.   
  
After a year. A whole year of his issues not dwindling off as they usually did, of overworking and late nights stuck in a mass of wires under the ADD, of not going back to the flat because he could find other work to do and he didn't want to be alone with his thoughts at the moment; because that always lead to bad ideas, Becker seemed to notice.   
  
It had surprised Connor, the soldier in question was generally stoic, keeping to himself bar a few jokes and barbs every so often that Connor found himself chuckling at. Seemed everyone who worked at the ARC had some secretly amazing sense of humour. But he was definitely looking at him strange when they packed everything up to head back to the ARC.   
  
They had successfully managed to get the little cat like creatures back through the anomaly, earning a few scratches, but otherwise fine. Connor couldn't help but laugh watching the soldiers try to round up the creatures, it was kind of adorable and funny, and it was rare he found himself laughing honestly recently.   
Some large creature had jumped through just before Connor had managed to close the anomaly, however, and they'd been sent on a long run that had had his lungs burning and his legs protesting and a pain going off in his chest that he didn't like. Logistics and Backup he had once told Stephen. Yeah, right...  
  
And at one point, he just couldn't keep going, his legs had given up beneath him and he found himself tumbling to the ground, dizzy and trying to get his bearings. And the warm breath on his back had had him frozen on the spot, before he flipped round and saw the creature looking down at him, jaws dripping with saliva, like Connor was the tastiest thing it had ever seen.   
  
"Oh god..." He'd muttered, trying to stay still, unsure if that was the right course of action but his head was still pounding and he wasn't sure he could have run even if he tried. "Trust me, mate, I'm probably the least meaty and tasty one here." He'd joked, quietly so the others couldn't hear.   
Becker had managed to dart the creature, which shrieked and then darted away, heading back through the anomaly - saved them a job of sending it back - and Connor had rushed to the locking device, quickly pressing it before anything else could come through and almost have him for dinner.   
  
And now they were packing up, the others, already gone in the other cars, and it was just Becker and Connor, clearing up the last few things because the anomaly had closed as they were about to drive away.   
He tried to ignore the soldiers accusing eyes on him, packing away the locking device. Maybe Becker was simply staring into space and Connor just so happened to be there?   
  
Chancing a glance, he quickly looked away. "Can I help you, soldier boy?" He mumbled, dreading the answer, avoiding looking back at the other man.   
Becker continued cleaning his tranquiliser gun, eyeing Connor suspiciously. "Good job today." He spoke up after a moment.   
Raising a brow, because that hadn't been what Connor was expecting, he finally looked to the other man. "Thank you?" He awaited the punchline, however, knowing Becker hated it when he got himself into trouble, because it usually resulted in the soldier having to save him. "Just luck that it went back through, that's all." He shrugged when Becker didn't say anything, looking back down. "Oh, um, thank you. For saving me. Again." He added.   
  
Becker smirked a little, shrugging. "All part of the job." But there was still something in Becker's eye that had him worried he'd figured _something_ out. "Ready to go?"  
Connor nodded, scared his voice would betray him, and jumped into the passenger seat.   
  
"So, what happened?" Becker had asked while they were driving, making Connor jump after the long silence.   
He glanced to the soldier. "What?"  
"What happened to make you fall?" Becker clarified, and Connor froze for a second, wondering what he could say that wouldn't raise suspicions.   
  
"Oh, you know me, clumsy as ever..." He muttered, looking back down at his phone and hoping that would be the end of it.   
Becker frowned slightly. "Didn't look like you tripped, Temple, it looked like you keeled over." He pushed, though his tone was a lot softer than Connor had thought it would be. Perhaps the soldier had a kind streak after all? Or, maybe, this was the 'people treating him differently' thing that always got under his skin.   
"Nah, I could trip on air, have done many times, actually, ask Abby." Connor shrugged, still not looking up, trying to act casual though he felt as if he were about to sweat buckets, like he was being interrogated. "It's fine, anomalies gone, day saved, back home in time for tea." He offered as best a dopey smile as he could give.   
  
"You and Abby got any plans for tonight, then?" The soldier asked. It was weird, Connor wasn't used to him making casual conversation, especially not about out-of-work stuff. Sometimes he imagined Becker was simply a robot who lived at the ARC and recharged somewhere private, though he supposed the other man must have a private life that none of them were privy to. He could relate.   
Connor shrugged a little. "I don't know, I think I have some patches to do on the ADD and I've got a new project on a device that, if it works, could possibly help us see where the anomalies lead to."  
  
Becker quirked a brow, he was good at that, but he looked impressed. "That sounds like it would be a godsend."  
"Yeah." Connor scoffed out a small laugh. He thought he'd gotten out of whatever worry Becker had, but that was a pointless hope, because the universe hated him.   
As they pulled into the parking of the ARC, showing their badges to security at the gate, Becker continued. "So, not going home tonight again, then?"   
  
Connor froze, trying not to flinch. "Probably, at some point... You know how it is when a new project comes up, hard to resist..." He tried to smile, but in the silence of the now turned off car, Becker's silent accusation only made him want to shuffle in his seat. "Anyway, gotta get back to work, Lester's probably waiting for us all to come back..."  
Becker sighed, nodding a little and getting out of the car, and for the time being, the subject was dropped.   
  
He'd just have to be more careful, next time. 


	2. Gloves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honestly surprised I got this many hits and kudos already, kinda thought nobody would be interested in this fandom anymore :')
> 
> Thank you, and don't be afraid to leave a comment! I reply to everything

"Why do you wear them gloves all the time?" Danny's voice brought an abrupt stop to Connor's quick typing on the keyboard of the ADD. For a moment, he almost wanted to laugh, imagining the windows shut-down sound going off in his brain. Nobody at the ARC had ever asked him about his gloves, people in the past had but he wasn't as close with them as he was with his friends on the team.   
He blinked, glancing to Danny, who was resting against one of the tables, clearly bored with his arms folded as he watched Connor.   
"What?" He decided to play dumb, he was good at that. He wanted to go back to the work he was doing on the device before him, but his mind was completely distracted now. 

"The gloves you've always got on, why d'you wear 'em?" Danny asked again. He didn't sound accusatory, more bored, but Connor couldn't help but worry that he knew something.   
He offered as convincing of a passive shrug as he could muster. "They're comfy, my hands get cold." He answered, looking back to the ADD, trying to ignore that Danny's question and his answer had drawn the attention of a certain captain, who glanced over from whatever paperwork he was looking over. "Why do you wear so much flannel?" He countered, offering a smirk and earning a chuckle from Danny. "Are you really that bored?" He continued, distracting them from whatever train of thought the other men were on by acting his usual, chipper, naïve self. 

"Touché, touché," Danny shook his head with that lopsided smile on his face. "When's Cutter back?"  
Connor always paused when someone asked about his mentor. Cutter had died by being shot by his insane wife, but in a weird, messed-up series of events - and some travelling through weird parallel universe (because that was the best way Connor could think to describe it despite the explanation being a lot more in-depth than that) - Cutter was back, and Stephen was also wondering around somewhere in Europe. When Connor slept, often his dreams wondered to the losses in his life. Despite Cutter and Stephen being back; he still dreamt of their deaths, feeling powerless and responsible. It was worse when Tom popped up. Because he _knew_ that was his fault, he knew he should have tried harder, and he knew there was no way he could bring his friend back.   
  
So, when people asked about Cutter, the first thing that flew through his mind was the loss of the professor, not that his mentor was working in one of the labs, or had rushed off somewhere to gather research or grab something from his old office at the university he didn't exactly go to anymore. "Oh, um, I think he went to the library." Connor shrugged a little. "Could be there all day."  
Danny looked fed-up, lowering his head and shaking it. "Ya know, if you'd have asked me last year whether I'd be waiting for some form of prehistoric creature to come running through a gap in time, I'd have called them crazy."   
  
Connor offered what he hoped to be a sympathetic smile, in all honesty, his emotions had been out of whack all day, it was one of those days where everything was too much, and he struggled to keep up the façade he had become so good at. "Careful what you wish for, Danny." He warned as a joke, turning his attention back to the ADD.   
There was silence for a short while, but, of course, Danny couldn't let himself stay bored for long. "Can I try on your gloves?"   
Connor offered an unamused look, shaking his head and not honouring that with a response. "Why don't you go ask Abby if she needs a hand in the lab?" He suggested, trying to offer the older man something to do that didn't involve asking about his simple comfort of a multitude and - possibly overly-large - collection of fingerless gloves. There was only so many excuses he could give for the item of clothing... Perhaps he should just wear a long-sleeve tomorrow?  
  
"Alright, alright, have fun with your tech, Con." Danny held his hands up in surrender, but the smirk remained on his face, ever-present. In fact, Connor wondered if the older man even knew how to be serious about something. Danny wondered off, and Connor tried to turn his attention back to the task at hand, but Becker was still in the room, and still offered a glance at him every so often, the same look on his face that he'd had when he'd seen Connor take his tumble the other week.   
Since then it had been rather quiet at the ARC, not many anomalies, a lull in research. It happened every so often.   
  
Just hoping that if he ignored him long enough, he'd go away - honestly, when did that ever actually work? - he didn't take his eyes off of the screen.   
But the captain made his way over and watched the screens Connor tried to keep his attention on. "Yes, Becker?" He asked, trying to keep the shake out of his voice.   
"Have you had lunch yet?" Becker asked after a moment, and the student hadn't been expecting that.   
"Oh, um, no, not yet." He shrugged, glancing back to the other man. "Been a bit distracted trying to get this patch done." He offered a half-hearted chuckle, acting sheepish. He often forgot the little things when he was busy with a project.   
  
"Ok," Becker nodded a little. "Well, I'm hungry, let's go get something to eat and find the professor on the way back before he manages to get himself locked in the library again."   
Connor couldn't help but quirk a smile, remembering that Cutter had managed to get himself locked in the library just as Becker had said, on multiple occasions. "I should probably finish this..." He trailed off, hoping his mask didn't slip at Becker's sceptic look, and sighed. "Yeah, yeah we should eat before an anomaly decided to open, let me just grab a handheld, yeah?"  
Becker nodded, letting Connor rush away to grab his handheld ADD and jacket. He didn't know what was going on with the other member of the team, but it was his job to protect them, he supposed by extent that meant making sure they looked after themselves. Since he watched Connor fall the other week, things just seemed to stand out to him more about the boy, but he didn't know anything, so he simply resigned himself to making sure the team looked after themselves.   
  
"Ready to go?" Connor asked softly, stepping in front of the soldier, who nodded.   
"Yeah, there's a good sandwich shop nearby, sound good?" Becker asked in response, earning a short nod and they headed out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDK if I should include any relationship in this one? 
> 
> Atm, not gonna lie, I'm kinda leaning toward Becker/Connor? If people actually want a relationship in this one - other than the basic ones included in the show? - let me know! And what relationship as well!


	3. Avoidance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the likes and everything!
> 
> I reply to every comment, so feel free to leave feedback <3
> 
> (I'd also very much like to know what romantic relationships you guys want me to put in this? As I said in the last part, pretty much leaning to connor/becker, but let me know!)

Connor fiddled with his gloves as they got closer to the counter at the sandwich shop.   
  
Becker didn't seem to notice, checking his phone, or looking around at the people. It wasn't very often Connor found himself alone with the soldier, and he was forcing himself not to nervously begin chattering away just to fill the silence. He turned his focus to the nice bright wood flooring, the vibrant colours painted on the walls; anything but the counter of food that drew closer as another customer was served.   
  
He'd been wracking his brain the whole short drive here, trying to think of an excuse as to why he didn't feel like eating, but nothing would come to him. He'd told Becker he hadn't ate yet, maybe he could just rush to the bathroom after forcing himself to eat something and act like nothing was wrong - like usual.   
  
"Temple." The soldiers voice cut through his thoughts, and Connor quickly looked to him, raising a brow. "What do you want to eat?" He prompted again.   
Connor looked to the menu above the counter, realising they were now next to order. "Um... dunno, what's good?" He asked, looking back to the other man.   
Becker sighed, shrugging a little. "Well, I usually have tuna. Protein and iron, all that stuff. It's pretty good."   
The student nodded. "Yeah, ok, I'll have the same as you then, mate."  
  
It didn't take long before Becker was stepping up to order. Connor wondered if he should offer some money, or if they'd sort that out afterwards? But they both looked to each other as the detector in Connor's pocket started pinging. Silently thanking whatever deity he didn't believe in for interrupting this outing - and trying not to look too happy about being interrupted as well - he shrugged. "No rest for the wicked." He joked with his usual smile, pulling the detector out of his pocket and leading the way back out to the jeep.   
Backer was hot on his tail and jumped into the drivers seat, asking for directions, which Connor happily spieled off as they drove. 

The library was on the way, so they picked Cutter up as they drove.   
"I told you, I was fine at the library." The professor argued, usually stuck in his research these days instead of out in the field. Especially since Danny seemed to enjoy the field work, and while Cutter did as well, he had a brilliant mind that worked well in the lab. Sometimes for days on end, though Connor wasn't exactly one to judge.   
Connor offered him a smile. "Come on, Cutter, it's been a long time since you joined us in the field."  
  
"What happened to you being back-up, then?" His old professor quipped back, looking down at his own handheld ADD.   
Connor chuckled a little, but turned his attention back to looking out the window. 'Logistics and back-up'... sure. He sighed slightly, before telling Becker to take another corner.   
  
\------------

Thankfully, nothing had come through the anomaly that they knew of. It wasn't too close by, but close enough that they had gotten there quickly. Danny and Abby were already there, having come from the ARC. Connor got to work straight away, asking if they'd seen anything come through as he set up the locking device. Abby explained that they'd not long got there themselves, but they hadn't seen anything come through. While Abby looked relieved, Danny on the other hand, looked bored.   
  
"Don't go willing something to come through, Danny." Connor warned him with his usual grin as he pressed the button to lock the rip in time. It locked before their eyes, compacting in the strange way it did when it was locked up. He turned to look at Becker, who he hadn't realised had walked over after receiving the short report from his men who had arrived with Danny and Abby. The soldier sure was quiet, Connor was realising.   
"We still have to scout the area, see if anything came through before we got here, though it doesn't look likely." The soldier told them, all stern and business, like usual.   
  
"How so?" Danny questioned as he got one of the hand-held tranquiliser guns ready - he, as most members of the ARC, didn't enjoy being glared at by Abby for using real guns - looking happy to see some action, even if it was just wondering around looking for prehistoric creatures.   
Connor stood, dusting his hands off on his jeans of invisible dirt as he turned to his 'commanding officer'. "We're in a fairly crowded area, we usually get a good inkling of if something comes through before we get here." He explained.   
  
Though Becker's men had worked well on pushing the public away from the area, the student knew that it was a very public area, and that always worried him. Creatures always seemed to manage to get out, hide, and ended up killing someone before they arrived. Hopefully today, they'd be lucky, because Connor was getting very sick of holding the guilt in his conscience.   
"We better get looking." Danny shrugged. "Though we haven't heard any shouting and screaming, we best be sure, right?"  
Connor nodded. "Right."

"Cool, Becker, you take Con, make sure he doesn't shoot you, Abby, you're with me. Cutter-"  
"I have some reading to go through." Cutter nodded at Danny, pulling out a very shoddy prototype Connor had come up with for the 'dating calculator'. The student didn't exactly have faith in it, stating how much more readings he needed to go through before he could try and get it working better.   
Connor sighed. "I'm tellin' ya, it won't work yet." He shrugged, accepting a tranq-gun from Abby before she was heading off with Danny in one direction.   
"Have faith in yourself, Connor." Was all Nick said in response, already distracted by the tech he held in his hand and a tablet he held in the other to record his findings.   
  
Connor let his shoulders deflate a little, before Becker tapped him on the shoulder. "Come on, Temple, maybe we can be lucky for once and be home for bed time."   
The student made himself smile in response. "I wouldn't bet on it, mate." He joked, but followed the soldier regardless. 


End file.
